Talking about PMDD

PMDD is one of those "invisible" conditions; if you look at a woman with pmdd she will probably appear to be just fine, not sick or hurting at all.  On the inside it's a totally different story.  I have great respect for anyone battling PMDD and other "invisible" mental or endocrine problems.  According to the National Association for Premenstrual Disphoric Disorder, about 5 million women in the US have PMDD.

I don't think anyone with PMDD wants pity. Personally, I just want to pinpoint what is going wrong with my body and try to fix it. Isn't it human nature to want to feel well and happy?  For me, I just want the people close to me to know what is going on with me so they can understand why I struggle with life sometimes.  No, I don't want to broadcast to the world, "Hey, look at me, I'm fighting this horrible disorder, so I'm a rock star."  I don't want attention.  Last time I was this vocal about something on the internet people disagreed with me and I felt hurt and invalid.  The last thing I want is to talk about something that affects me deeply and have someone shoot me down.

I just want to give my best effort to make an enjoyable life for myself and my family.  Of course there are lessons to be learned from trials, but I really believe Gordon B. Hinckley's quote, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

I read an article that in my opinion wasn't a very good read since it had a lot of swear words and rude comments.  After reading it I realized a lot of people don't want to hear about PMDD.  Some think it's whiny women with first world problems looking for another way to get out of things. ...a very unkind and non-compassionate way of thinking...

The beautiful blonde woman Lucy Sutcliffe, this image is from @flurtmagazine on Twitter.  I loved how honest her description of battling PMDD is.  I'll quote part of it.

"For the past 12 hours I haven't left my bed.  Approximately 3 of those have been spent sobbing into my pillow, 4 spent sleeping, and 5 dedicated to panic attacks, emotional outbursts and hurling things at the wall.  I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally, and I feel drained, quite literally, of life.  But I'm not crazy.  I'm not being overdramatic.  I have something called PMDD, which, once a month, changes me beyond all recognition.  It's overwhelming, debilitating and often pretty scary.  I become depressed, withdrawn, and unspeakably angry and irritable.  I have terrifying thoughts of hurting myself.  I sleep 14 hours a night and wake up exhausted and aching all over.  My thought processes become skewed.  I'll suddenly remember that boy at school who stole my lunch when I was 7 and want to punch his face in, and then I'll see an old couple arm-in-arm and burst into uncontrollable sobs, convinced that I'm going to die alone and unloved."

Thank you, Lucy, for being real and helping me to not feel so alone.  If this blog can help ONE other woman then I would count it as a success.

Here is a link to an informative article at the National Institute of Health's National Library of Medicine: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3098121/
It has lots of great information about PMDD.

Gospel references

Here is a list of gospel references that have helped me on my PMDD journey.  I hope they are useful to you as well.  The scriptures are from the Bible (NKJV) and the Book of Mormon.  For more information about my faith please visit mormon.org

Proverbs 3:5-8  trust and ask

D&C 112:13  healing after tribulation

Alma 32:21-22  Faith and hope

D&C 6:34,36  Look to the Lord

2 Nephi 31:19-20  Faith in Christ's word

2 Ne 32:8-9  Pray always

D&C 19:38  Pray always

Matthew 11:28-30  Christ will give us rest

Phillipians 4:13 We can do all things through Christ

Ether 12:27-29  Our weaknesses can become strengths

Isiah 41:10  Fear not, Christ will strengthen and help us

Isaiah 53:3-5  Jesus was a man of sorrows, He was acquainted with grief

John 14:6  Heavenly Father wants us to use the atonement

John 14:16  We have the Comforter available to us

John 14:26  peace

D&C 19:23  peace

D&C 76:53,60  overcome with faith

D&C 58:2-4  faithful in tribulation

Alma 12:14  our words, our works, and our thoughts are powerful

Alma 7:11-12  Christ knows how we feel because he suffered our pains and afflictions

"The Tongue of Angels", Jeffery R. Holland, April 2007

"Wilt Thou Be Made Whole?", Timothy J. Dyches,  October 2013

"Like a Broken Vessel", Jeffery R. Holland, October 2013

"Believing Christ", Stephen E. Robinson, 1992.  The whole book is amazing, but I really like pages 5 and 26.

Hymn #129  Where Can I Turn For Peace?

Randy D. Funk quote: "Think of the good that comes from broken things: Soil is broken to plant wheat.  Wheat is broken to make bread.  Bread is broken to become the emblems of the sacrament.  The healing power of the Atonement will bring peace to your soul and enable you to feel the holy spirit."

Trying treatment

Since I determined to get a handle on my PMDD I made an appointment with a new doctor.  He was wonderful.  I felt like he actually listened to me.  He was knowledgeable about PMDD and had seen many cases.  He discussed the treatment options and decided on something that I felt comfortable with and he felt was appropriate.


MY DIAGNOSIS
I felt validated after my appointment.  Some people in the healthcare field don't recognize PMDD as a real disorder.  My doctor said something like, "I've seen young girls attempting suicide every month when it's time for their period.  That's very real."  After hearing my symptoms and asking a few questions, he said I have PMDD, but luckily it's on the mild side of the cases he's seen.

livingonaprayerwithpmdd.blogspot.com via google images

MY TREATMENT
I mentioned before I've been on an anti-depressant years before when I had a rough patch with my depression.  I hated the medicine.  It turned me into a zombie- I wasn't happy or sad, I was just there.  And a couple years ago, once I realized I probably had PMDD, I tried herbal supplements.  Those didn't seem to help.  After discussing options with my new dr we decided on an extended cycle birth control bill, which is a 3 month pill.  After my first pack we are going to evaluate and see if a low dose of SSRI is needed.  I'm nervous about trying another anti-depressant, but honestly, after living with these symptoms for more than 8 years I'm ready to try anything.
Disclaimer: Please realize I'm not a healthcare professional and I'm not advising anyone to do exactly what I'm doing.  Everyone is different and everyone has her own path.  I'm sharing my story in hopes that it might help someone else.

OTHER TREATMENT OPTIONS
Like I said in a previous post, I realize there are other treatments besides drugs.  But right now that seems to be my best option.  I am also trying to cut back on my sugar intake and be more active.  I've read many articles and comments about natural treatments and changing diet and exercise.  Here are some articles you might like:
http://www.pmscomfort.com/pms-pmdd-symptoms/natural-cure-for-pmdd-pms.aspx
https://www.womentowomen.com/pms/severe-pms-and-pmdd-treatment/2/
http://pmddnaturaltreatment.com/
http://livingonaprayerwithpmdd.blogspot.com/2016/07/declare-your-independence-from-pmdd.html

Ok, back to my treatment.  I filled my prescription right after my appt, and started the pills that night.  Two days later I went into full-blown PMDD episode.  I guess my body thought we were skipping "the good week" and going right into hormone hell again......

Side note--the following appears in very small type for some unknown reason.  Can't seem to change it, no matter what I try.  Sorry!

Here's a real life example of PMDD :  I've left out a couple of details for time/space sake, but  I'm sure you'll be able to easily recognize the irrational thinking and out of control emotions...

My husband really wanted to go to our ward's temple night.  I didn't really have the desire to go as sometimes I have social avoidance with PMDD.  But I didn't want to be selfish so I agreed.  I had asked 2 of his nieces if they wanted to come tend our kids at our house.  They said yes, but they would double check with parents.  So the day arrived and I text the girls in the morning to see if it was still ok that they came over to tend.  One said yes, but the other wouldn't answer (I later found out she was working this day even though she usually only works on the weekends).  I was feeling frustrated because my kids weren't being good, weren't listening, weren't whatever.... I was yelling at the kids and trying to get the house clean.  I wasn't feeling in the right mindset to go to the temple, and besides, I didn't know if 1 of my sitters was coming.   Husband was texting me asking if I'd heard from them, if he was to pick up the pizza on his way home, what their favorite candy was (because I had promised the girls their fav treat).  Then my M-I-L text me asking if  the kids could be tended at her house instead, and that she would feed them.  I need to add here that I love my mother-in-law tremendously.  She is an amazing person who bends over backwards to help her family.  But you know what?  I was mad.  My hormones were raging and I felt like everyone-- my m-i-l, my husband, my kids, nieces-- I felt like they were all trying to mess up my life.  I had no desire to go to the temple anymore.  I was in an ugly "mad/sad" state.  BUT I was trying to stay calm and talk myself down and see the situation for what it really was.  

picsart.com via google images

I listened to my husband's advice: that if I didn't feel like being at the temple then it was probably the best place for me to be.  I gave myself a pep talk.  I told my m-i-l that it was fine and I would bring them to her house, and I told my husband I would have the kids and myself ready to go by the time he got home.  Then the working niece text me saying she could come tend at my house and told me her favorite treat.  I was still giving myself that pep talk so I thought, "This is fine, it will all work out, it's just a small hiccup, I'll grab the treats and pizza and the girls and drive them to grandma's.  It will all work out wonderfully."  So I text the nieces back and finalized the plans, and they were totally fine with it.  So I got everything and everyone ready to walk out the door.  I reach for the car key in its usual spot, but it's not there.  It's not in my purse.  Not my pocket.  Not the counter.  Not my dresser.  Not anywhere.  Time was ticking and by now I was running late so I could feel my anger rising up again.  I told my kids they needed to help me find the car key.  After a while my daughter said she thought she saw my toddler put it in her dresser drawer.  In an effort to keep from strangling her (well, not really, but I was furious that she hid the key and blamed the toddler) I stood to the side and watched her search through all her dresser drawers.  It wasn't there.  I looked everywhere that stupid key could have possibly been.  I realized that I have to be a horrible mother for my kids to hide my car key in order to sabotage me.  By this point I was crying hard.  I snuck into the garage so my kids wouldn't hear me bawling.  My husband called to say he was on his way, and as I explained to him that the kids hid the car keys and I didn't think we were going to make it to the temple, I cried even harder.  I finally had to hang up because I couldn't talk anymore.  In that dark, hot, sawdust-filled garage my PMDD emotions took over.  I sunk to the concrete floor and had a breakdown.  I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe, in my mind I was cursing everyone who had 'messed up' my plans, cursing my new medication, cursing my hormones and emotions, cursing the world, and blaming God for all of it.  

*I will post some thoughts on having a support system soon and the end of ^that^ story will be included.*

MOVING FORWARD
Right now I have to take one day at a time.  I pray a lot.  I still cry a lot.  I really want to find a treatment that works for me.  I hate my birth control right now, but I know I have to give it time.  My doctor encouraged me to be patient and not give up.  There are many options and lots of resources out there, so if you're struggling with PMDD too, I hope you'll be successful also.

My PMDD story

I feel the need to write down my experience with PMDD.  PreMenstrual Disphoric Disorder is a horrible thing to have.

WHAT IS IT?
Mayo Clinic's definition of PMDD is "a severe, sometimes disabling extension of premenstrual syndrome".  The symptoms of PMDD are: mood swings, depressed mood or feelings of hopelessness, suicidal ideation, marked anger, increased interpersonal conflicts, tension, anxiety/ social avoidance, irritability, decreased interest in usual activities, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, change in appetite, feeling out of control or overwhelmed, sleep problems (hypersomnia or insomnia), headaches, bloating, breast tenderness, muscle or joint pain.  Don't those sound fun?

These are all correlated with hormones.  They arrive before your period, just like PMS.  But for me (and a lot of women I've heard from on the internet) the symptoms hang around for up to 3 weeks of every month.  I have 13-15 of those symptoms for 2 1/2 to 3 weeks every single month .  On the good week everything is peachy, I'm happy, all is right with the world, and I let things roll off my back relatively easily.  Then it goes downhill.  I get depressed, worried, anxious, angry, extremely irritable, I cry over everything, and I scream at my family and throw things/punch things.  All emotions feel amplified and there's an abundance of irrational thinking.  I feel very out of control.

google images

ME
I was just recently diagnosed with PMDD, but I've been battling it for about 8 years.  Before I had kids I thought I was pretty normal as far as PMS goes.  Then after my pregnancies I got worse as the years went on.  About 2 and 1/2 years ago I was reading about my symptoms on the internet and realized, "Hey, this sounds just like me, I bet I have PMDD."  
I feel like I can't even describe the torment PMDD is every month.  Imagine every single month, for more than half the month, feeling and believing you're an awful person and you have a horrible life.  I've wanted to run away from my family (that I love!) numerous times.  I've wanted to quit my job (that I really like!) countless times.  For a while I seriously considered if I was bipolar.  It really does feel like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde situation, like I'm a different person.  The scariest part of being Mr. Hyde is it feels real.  Every single month.  It feels like that's who I truly am.  And the next part is going to sound really crazy.  On my good days each month I felt so opposite of the bad weeks that I would tell myself, "This PMDD stuff isn't so bad.  I can handle it.  Maybe next month won't be so awful.  Maybe something will change.  Maybe this new ___ (vitamin, exercise, change of thinking, etc) will alleviate my symptoms.  But every month is the same, over and over again.  For years on end.
Don't get me wrong, I still had really good times and I have lots of happy memories from the last several years, but when I truly looked at the whole picture I realized I was sad/mad/hysterical MORE than I was happy/normal/content.  It's a hard thing to face.  It's difficult to say, "I think I have a serious disorder".
I did a bunch of research about treatments/remedies for PMDD and depression.  I had previously tried an anti-depressant but it wasn't good for me- it turned me into a zombie, I wasn't happy or sad, just existing- so I didn't want to go that route again.  I decided to give St. John's wort a try since it's said to be a natural mood elevator.  After a month or so I decided to talk to a doctor also.  I told her all my symptoms, but because I wasn't suicidal or harming myself she didn't seem to think it was very serious.  She suggested birth control to try to help with hormone spikes.  I explained that I was wary of trying birth control because I was scared to add more hormones to my already unstable ones.  She suggested I keep taking the St. John's wort and try a low dose birth control.  Once my free 1-month sample ran out I went to fill the Rx, but it was extremely expensive.  I was unable to afford it at the time, and there was no generic.  After 3 months or so on the St. John's wort I felt I couldn't notice a difference so I gave up on it.  

classy.org via google images

Fast forward 2 years and I had finally had enough.  There had been too many bad things, too many unhappy days, too much hurt. I was sick of letting this condition rule my life.  So I determined to get a handle on this PMDD crap and made an appointment with a new doctor.  
(Continued in next post)

THE TRUTH
I have an amazing life!  I have 3 happy, healthy kids, and a supportive, kind husband.  I have a nice home in a good neighborhood, 2 working vehicles, my husband and I both have great jobs, we have loving families, and I love my religion- it gives me perspective and strength every day.  I have a few hobbies that I enjoy and all my needs are met.  I have all the things I dreamed of when I was a kid.  But you know what?  My mental illness makes me forget how wonderful life is.  For 16-20 days out of every single month I have major depressive disorder coupled with all those other symptoms.  Each month is a roller coaster.  It's incredibly hard to live with.

http://www.apa.org/monitor/oct02/pmdd.aspx  < Here is an interesting discussion from the American Psychological Association about PMDD.

PMDD

I have PMDD- Pre Menstrual Disphoric Disorder.  At the time of this post I haven't been diagnosed, but I am sure I have it.  I have been struggling with this for several years. Below I've listed symptoms, but first I want to discuss my action plan.

The Plan
It seems there are 2 choices for treating PMDD symptoms: prescribed drugs or herbal supplements.  To me it seems you choose one way or the other. Some herbs can lessen the effect of prescribed drugs, or even cause adverse effects like 'serotonin syndrome'.  So it seems like choice A or choice B. I realize there are spiritual/mental components also, but right now I'm only focusing on medicine.

I am going to see a new doctor and ask about a low/no estrogen birth control pill.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0014036/

Also I plan to increase my serotonin levels by exercising and eating less refined sugar.  Eating less sugar is going to be a HUGE challenge for me.  But I am at the end of my rope with this pmdd crap so I'm willing to do hard things.... I've also learned why I'm always craving carbs and cheese (see following link)
http://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sleep/foods-that-could-boost-your-serotonin#Overview1

My Experience (A quick overview)
Each month I have 1 good week out of 4.  Some months it's more like 1 and a half out of 2 1/2.  On the good week everything is peachy, I'm happy, all is right with the world, and I let things roll off my back relatively easily.  Then it goes downhill.  I get depressed, worried, anxious, angry, extremely irritable, I cry over everything, and I scream at my family and throw things/punch things.  All emotions feel amplified and there's an abundance of irrational thinking.  I feel very out of control.  I think the hardest part is how real the irrational feelings are.  I am unable to tell myself that "it's just because of my hormones, I don't really hate my life"; it just doesn't work like that.

I am already predisposed to depression, so I feel like that's what hits me the hardest.  Imagine having major depressive disorder 20+ days out of every single month of your life.  It is dreadful.


PMDD Symptoms
With the help of some lovely women on you tube, I've made a list of how it feels to have PMDD:

Can't handle stress well
Violent
Want to run away, think my family/ the world would be better without me
Feels bipolar
It's not just PMS, not even "severe PMS", it's a totally different beast
hysteria
rage
what you think feels like the truth
essentially allergic to my own hormones
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xsg6oOsPu_M

An amplified, horrible version of PMS
anger
irritability
anxiety
depression
trapped in your feelings
disruptive to your life- your life is interrupted
crazy emotions
hard to rationally explain to someone who hasn't experienced it
irrational anxiety, irrational depression
hard to be around people
hypersomnia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KHYxqX4eCE

This post helped me realize I have PMDD, and the comments were really insightful too.
http://mormonmommymft.blogspot.com/2012/07/pmdd.html

Here's one woman's 3-part journey that I really liked reading.
http://www.classichousewife.com/2014/05/15/treating-pmdd-naturally/

So!
That's where I am right now.  I will update after I put my plan to action.