Newfound Resource

Here's a resource I found recently:

Her Mood Mentor

She offers a free symptom mapping kit on her website, a supplement directory, and a course available for purchase.

Her Mood Mentor Website

Her Mood Mentor Instagram

Crying in the car

It's 9:25, but my car's clock says 10:25 because I haven't changed it since daylight savings. It's dark. Better Than Ezra is playing on the stereo. I'm sitting here in my driveway crying my eyes out. Crying my eyes out for no reason. And it sucks.

PMDD is so frustrating! I have an amazing life; I'm very blessed. However, my brain is telling me that life is horrible. I am a daughter of God and I know I have value, but I am thinking that I do everything wrong and no one needs me. Overall I had a good day, but all I can focus on is: my kids didn't listen, that I messed up on a task I was asked to complete, that my friend didn't text me back, that today's schedule had to be rearranged... so I'm frustrated, I feel unloved, that I'm always messing up, that I'm a bad mom, etc. I can't trust my own thoughts. It's maddening.

The medicine I'm on to regulate my hormones has been good for me. The only downside is every 3 months when my hormones drop (AKA I have a period). My body is all mixed up until my hormomes are stable again. If I'm honest it's hell once every 3 months.

On the positive side having PMDD keeps me humble. It forces me to reach out to God. I plead for strength and comfort. And hopefully it puts me in a position to empathize and help women around me who go through the same thing.

So if you're having or have ever had a 'crying in the car at 10:25 pm bawling your eyes out while Better Than Ezra plays and you use all the tissues in the glove box' kind of moment, please know you're not alone. There are other women who understand what you're going rhrough. Keep fighting. Keep the faith. You can do this.

Depression

I've decided to gather my thoughts on depression here.  If this is your first visit to this blog, note that depression (Major Depressive Disorder or MDD) and PMDD are 2 different things.  If you're interested in PMDD see my previous posts.  If not, read on, friend.

I'm Melanie.  And I battle depression.  I used to say 'I struggle with depression' but I have since discovered that I am a mental health warrior, so now I say 'battle'.  It feels empowering.  I am sharing these thoughts because I feel impressed to do so.  I hope it will help someone.

I have battled depression since I was a teenager.  It was frustrating but manageable.  Friends, faith, and moms are tremendous supports.  The years went on.  Over those years I fought: depression, postpartum depression, adrenal fatigue, pre-menstrual disphoric disorder, and mild anxiety.  Depression has been my biggest and most recurring demon.

"Like a Broken Vessel"

Remember when Elder Holland spoke about depression in General Conference in 2013?  That was a breath of fresh air for me!  I thought, "Wow, I am so pleased that he is talking about this to a worldwide audience.  It proves it's not taboo and that so many people are affected by it."  His talk was wonderful.  I've listened to it more times than I can count.  It's genuine and full of hope.
A related resource is the church's Mental Health site: https://www.lds.org/mentalhealth?lang=eng


After many years I fortunately found a doctor who listened to me, understood my concerns, and helped me find a medication combination that works for me.  There's a huge stigma surrounding mental illness and the medications and therapies that accompany it.  But these are tools to help overcome effects of a condition.  When discussing this topic my friend Jennifer said, "I am a firm believer that mental illness is just as real, serious, and treats us all differently just like heart disease is real, serious, and treats us all differently in how it presents itself and how it is treated."

You know what has helped me a lot?  Talking to others.  I have been able to speak to other people who have gone through similar things and it is validating.  The loneliness starts to dissipate when someone you know has experienced what you have.

Studio 5, KSL

I started reading a new book yesterday.  It's called "Silent Souls Weeping" by Jane Clayson Johnson.  I am only on chapter 3 but I already love it!  Here's a video of the author talking about it: https://studio5.ksl.com/jane-clayson-johnson-there-is-light-beyond-the-darkness-of-depression/
This book has great stories that can make you feel understood and not alone.  As I read I keep nodding and thinking, "Yes!"

Depression is complicated!  There are many symptoms; it affects many ages; there are many forms of treatment; and the length of time it affects a person is varied.  I've heard it said that "Depression is the common cold of mental illness.  It's not a matter of IF you'll get it, but WHEN."

Something I hate about depression is how it affects my body.  I can sleep for 10 hours and still feel exhausted.  My body aches.  I have no motivation to do anything.  Even the small things feel like a major challenge.  But... I think the worst thing about depression is that I can't trust my own thoughts.  I have a wonderful life, but the chemical imbalance in my brain makes me believe that things are horrible and nothings ever goes right.  I can't believe what I think.  I can't trust my own mind.  It's debilitating to realize I can't believe what I'm thinking or feeling; that I have to analyze and decipher everything.  e.g.: "Is my life truly falling apart or is it just my depression making me believe that a bad day means a bad life?"

May I make a friendly suggestion?  If you're feeling depressed, or even just a bit down, please try something.  Get a paper and pen and set a timer for 2 minutes.  In those 2 minutes write down names of people who are good in your life.  People who love you, people who have had a positive impact on you, people who are a force for good in your life.  I think you'll be surprised at how much goodness surrounds you.
Here's something else to consider:
The Slump Cycle
I heard this years ago, but didn't write a source.  It was a therapist or counselor.  I find this chart and steps very helpful.
Step 1 you will probably have to force yourself to do.  Like dance with your child  or walk around the block.  It can be simple, but it needs to be something to break you out of the numbness you're feeling.  Then you follow with steps 2-4.

In conclusion:
Depression is horrible stuff.  Let's help each other through it.  We can reach out and reach up.  Christ will not leave us comfortless; He will come to us (John 14:18 NKJV).

Time Marches On

from google images

Wow, my last post was 2016, and now it's February 2019.  Time marches on, doesn't it?

There have been days over the past 3 years that I struggle just to get through the day.  There have also been days that were amazing- that I didn't want the day to end.  I think most of us go through that.  Good and bad, sweet and sour, amazing and mundane.

Update on me:
After my body got used to the 2 medications I was prescribed (SSRI and extended BC) I began to feel loads better!  I felt content that I was finally able to find a doctor that listened to me and that I'd found a medication combination that worked.  Phew! I felt like everything was great and I was optimistic.  I still had bad days of course, but I felt more under control than I had in such a long time.   About 2 1/2 years of mostly good days.
But then January 2019 came.  And it hit me hard.  I had horrible depression all month and a nasty cold for 3 weeks.  "Winter blues" was an understatement.  I'd had several rough days in December but I just brushed it off as 'being stressed about Christmas' or 'not enough self-care' or other excuses.  But those feelings didn't go away after the rush of the holidays.  I was sleeping as much as I could, crying all the time, disliking my family, not accomplishing anything, withdrawing myself, etc.  It was an ugly month and 1/2.  Now I'm second guessing how well I'm actually doing...  Is my SSRI strong enough?  Do I need a higher dosage?  Has my body gotten used to it and it's becoming ineffective?  Or is everything fine and I'm just going through a bad bout of depression? 

So I've been thinking a lot about depression and I've decided to write a post on just that.  Stay tuned.

Do you, like me, have PMDD and depression?  Have you been able to find a doctor who listens and who you like?  If you're in the thick of it, hang in there!  If you're at a low point and re-evaluating, you'll get through this!  If it's smooth sailing at the moment, good for you; cherish it!  In my experience life never stays the same for very long.  :)

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed... Life is like an old time rail journey- delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.  The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." -Gordon B. Hinckley

Talking about PMDD

PMDD is one of those "invisible" conditions; if you look at a woman with pmdd she will probably appear to be just fine, not sick or hurting at all.  On the inside it's a totally different story.  I have great respect for anyone battling PMDD and other "invisible" mental or endocrine problems.  According to the National Association for Premenstrual Disphoric Disorder, about 5 million women in the US have PMDD.

I don't think anyone with PMDD wants pity. Personally, I just want to pinpoint what is going wrong with my body and try to fix it. Isn't it human nature to want to feel well and happy?  For me, I just want the people close to me to know what is going on with me so they can understand why I struggle with life sometimes.  No, I don't want to broadcast to the world, "Hey, look at me, I'm fighting this horrible disorder, so I'm a rock star."  I don't want attention.  Last time I was this vocal about something on the internet people disagreed with me and I felt hurt and invalid.  The last thing I want is to talk about something that affects me deeply and have someone shoot me down.

I just want to give my best effort to make an enjoyable life for myself and my family.  Of course there are lessons to be learned from trials, but I really believe Gordon B. Hinckley's quote, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

I read an article that in my opinion wasn't a very good read since it had a lot of swear words and rude comments.  After reading it I realized a lot of people don't want to hear about PMDD.  Some think it's whiny women with first world problems looking for another way to get out of things. ...a very unkind and non-compassionate way of thinking...

The beautiful blonde woman Lucy Sutcliffe, this image is from @flurtmagazine on Twitter.  I loved how honest her description of battling PMDD is.  I'll quote part of it.

"For the past 12 hours I haven't left my bed.  Approximately 3 of those have been spent sobbing into my pillow, 4 spent sleeping, and 5 dedicated to panic attacks, emotional outbursts and hurling things at the wall.  I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally, and I feel drained, quite literally, of life.  But I'm not crazy.  I'm not being overdramatic.  I have something called PMDD, which, once a month, changes me beyond all recognition.  It's overwhelming, debilitating and often pretty scary.  I become depressed, withdrawn, and unspeakably angry and irritable.  I have terrifying thoughts of hurting myself.  I sleep 14 hours a night and wake up exhausted and aching all over.  My thought processes become skewed.  I'll suddenly remember that boy at school who stole my lunch when I was 7 and want to punch his face in, and then I'll see an old couple arm-in-arm and burst into uncontrollable sobs, convinced that I'm going to die alone and unloved."

Thank you, Lucy, for being real and helping me to not feel so alone.  If this blog can help ONE other woman then I would count it as a success.

Here is a link to an informative article at the National Institute of Health's National Library of Medicine: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3098121/
It has lots of great information about PMDD.